Celluloid Cemetery

Larva (2005 TV)

2005-11-16T10:11:00.000-05:00

Partial synopsis from the SciFi.com website: Host, Mo., is a quiet ranching community where everyone knows everyone else, and almost everybody earns their living from a local meat-products packager, Host Tender Meats. New to town is veterinarian Eli Rudkus, who makes Host his home after his predecessor retires, leaving a professional vacancy that Eli is happy to fill. However, when Eli is called to the ranch of Jacob Long, a local cattleman, the young veterinarian's seemingly routine house call exposes a dangerous secret about Host Tender Meats that could annihilate this small town.

The label "A Sci-Fi Pictures Original Movie" doesn't make me eager to sample a film. Prior to Larva, the last Sci-Fi horror "movie" that I trudged through was the abysmal Webs from 2003. The effects were amateurish, the acting horrid, and the story was ludicrous. However, that was then and this is now, and the Sci-Fi Channel is responsible for the very impressive "Battlestar Galatica" series. As a result, I decided to give another of their original films a chance.

The movie starts off in a Missouri field with four teenagers going cow tipping. The cow in question is already dead on its feet, obviously the victim of the title beasties. (Ah, the irony!) However, the scene ends flat with the teens running off prior to the larva sluggishly (no pun intended) breaking through the animal's hide as the credits begin.

The next morning, a farmer (William Forsythe, who I'll always remember from Raising Arizona) discovers the damage, and calls in the new town veterinarian, Dr. Eli Ruckus (Vincent Ventresca of TV's "The Invisible Man" and the recent indie Dead and Breakfast). The new vet takes a sample of the larva from a living cow and begins his investigation into its parasitic nature. Back at his office, he conveniently cuts his finger on a broken beaker and one of the little critters promptly begins sucking up the blood, growing visibly larger. Understandably concerned, the doc ships it off to the Department of Agriculture biolab.

We next move to a big picnic/barbecue sponsored by Host Tender Meats. (Parasites need hosts to breed. Get it? Not very subtle.) In addition to the two male leads and the "evil" capitalist owner of Host Tender Meats, Rachel Hunter (TV's "The Real Gilligan's Island") is introduced as an attorney for the meat company. She is tasked with the job of suppressing the ramblings of Dr. Eli, but in reality serves little purpose beyond being the token female hottie. Needless to say, she later joins the cause against the parasitic outbreak.

Conveniently, the new doc is a vegetarian veterinarian (say that five times fast), and, as a result, is not subjected to the infected hamburgers and steaks served at the soiree. You see, Host Tender Meats is supplying the feed for the town's cattle and the genetically-engineered feed is the cause of the parasitic infection. However, this plot point is largely overlooked because apparently none of the party goers get infected. The one poor schmuck that does gets infected by falling into a river and is promptly hospitalized.

One thing that has become extremely clichéd in horror movies is when the movie opens with the new family or teacher or doctor or whatever moving into the community. The outsider is often regarded with suspicion or distrust. However, it works in Larva. At one point, the doc explicitly states, "Sometimes when you introduce a new element, a foreign element, into an existing ecosystem, it can have a variety of unpredictable effects on the various organisms that were already present within that ecosystem." The parasites are wreaking havoc on the populace, and the doc is causing upheaval in the caste system of the town. It's a nice parallel, and one of the only intelligent aspects to the film.

After the parasite bursts through the aforementioned hospitalized host's stomach (reminiscent of Alien, of course) and makes a mess of a hospital room, Farmer Jacob and Doc Eli calmly stalk the creature through the basement of the hospital. Conveniently, Farmer Jacob has brought along two handguns for creature shootin'. Where are the police? Where is the National Guard? We have a winged parasite-creature-thingie that just exploded out of some poor schmuck's stomach and everything is quiet except for two dudes with handguns. It's all pretty silly.

The initial larva stage of the creatures is adequate, but once they develop into the bat-creatures, it's all downhill. The CGI is rather cheap-looking. The bat forms are crude and are largely (and wisely, I might add) kept in darkness. Before long, they are running amok throughout the town and it's up to Doc Eli, Farmer Jacob and Lawyer Rachel to save the day.

I don't know how much was removed from the flick when it first aired on the Sci-Fi Channel. (It's rated R for the DVD release.) However, there is virtually nothing on display here. The gore is rather tame and there's one very brief booby shot during the horror movie staple scene of two teenagers fooling around at Inspiration Point. The girl takes off her bra, her boyfriend's gut explodes from within, and then moments later she is being chased through a field by a chest-burster. Conveniently--for television airings and continuity lapses--her bra mysteriously pops back on prior to her running through the fields.

Conveniently: that's the running theme throughout the movie. Things happen because people in the town are too stupid to realize the imminent threat. Although the entire populace of the town starts calling the police station to report bat things flying around their farms and bursting out of their cattle, the local sheriff ignores the warnings.

Is the movie all bad? Nope. It held my attention throughout, albeit suppressing chuckles. In fact, the movie could have been a lot better if it had its tongue firmly in cheek. At one point toward the end, I was reminded of another creature feature, Eight Legged Freaks, a goofy yet oddly enjoyable movie simply because it doesn't take itself so seriously. Sadly, Larva wallows in goofy scientific logic (or lack thereof) and idiotic characters played completely straight. It doesn't work. If the Host Tender Meats company had purposely engineered the parasites due to the owner's maniacal agenda, that might have caused the film to rise above the standard direct-to-video (or direct-to-Sci-Fi) dreck.

It's going to be quite a while before I give into the temptation of watching another Sci-Fi Original Movie, that's for sure.

Movie Grade: C

The Stink of Flesh (2005)

2005-11-01T00:27:00.000-05:00

Synopsis from the filmmakers: Wandering the zombie wasteland, Matool (Kurly Tlapoyawa) survives by his wits and animal instinct, often employing his trusty hammer and gigantic nails to fend off the hordes of undead. But when he is kidnapped by a mysterious couple, Matool must rely on an entirely different weapon in his arsenal to survive.

I hate spoilers. The less I know about a movie (or a television episode) prior to watching it, the better. I generally don't watch trailers or commercials (or try to forget them if I do) in order to be pleasantly surprised. The only thing I knew about The Stink of Flesh was that the tagline of this direct-to-video zombie flick is, "How do you lead an alternative lifestyle... When everybody's dead?" That's all I knew; as a result, I was expecting fairly low budget zombie gore and some definition of "alternative."

Whether microbudget or Hollywood, filmmakers must find ways of reinventing the zombie genre. Shaun of the Dead brought the comedic element to the forefront. Running zombies were introduced in Dawn of the Dead. (I don't count 28 Days Later as a "zombie" movie because they were technically alive, infected by a virus.) The Stink of Flesh brings us swingers looking to get laid when the pool of potential partners is dwindling in a post-apocalyptic world. The "alternative lifestyle" of the tagline is swinging, and the thin plot centers around various couplings, including that of nymphomaniac Dexy (played by the single-monikered "Diva") and her husband who likes to watch strangers get it on with his wife. As plots go, this one is pretty thin.

At the beginning, we're introduced to two of the main characters using freeze frame titles. Matool (Kurly Tlapoyawa) kills a zombie by literally fighting it until he has an opportunity to drive a long nail into it's skull. Nathan (Ross Kelly) is the aforementioned husband who is told by his wife Dexy, "Find me someone to play with." The title cards are rather cool, and a slow rockabilly song adds to the feeling of promise.

After the credits roll, we're plunged into a zombie attack on a stalled car with two passengers. Matool rushes to the female's aid, beating back several other zombies while others nosh on the girl's brother. Shortly thereafter, in an old shack along with a crazy old man and two kids, he makes a pass at her. She just lost her brother, there are zombies outside, clawing at the boarded up windows, and this guy's horny. Granted, she's definitely a cutie, but I knew that the flick was destined to devolve. Sure enough, the cutie is gobbled up by zombies soon after, leaving the only attractive female in the cast as a blood smear in the dirt. Matool is knocked unconscious by Nathan and taken back to their humble abode to get it on with Dexy. Of course, he obliges while Nathan watches.

The other principle characters include three soldiers who appear halfway in, a "Spooky Kid" (that's how he's named in the credits), and Dexy's sister Sassy. Sassy likes to join in the sexual hijinks by smacking the males participants on the ass while they're having their way with Dexy. However, that's not the only odd thing about her; Sassy has a malformed conjoined twin attached to her side. The thing looks dead, and I was looking forward to an explanation about the zombie nature of the creature, but apparently it is simply a disgusting special effect (or not-so-special--it looks like a mass of gray Play-Doh with teeth) added for the weirdness factor. Not surprisingly, one of the soldiers even tries to sleep with Sassy and is even willing to give the growth a kiss.

It seems like many microbudget horror flicks feel the need to include nudity and/or lesbian scenes (e.g. Meat Market). The logic is probably (I'm guessing here) that nudity sells and if you have goth chicks who are willing to get naked and swap spit, go for it. The movie doesn't disappoint; Nathan keeps a naked zombie (Stephanie Leighs, pictured with a blue dot to keep this site fairly family-friendly because here in the good ole USofA nudity is far more offensive than violence, you know) chained up in a shed. Because she's the only female nudity featured in the flick, the director capitalizes on this by showing a gratuitous pre-zombification flashback scene with her topless in a bathtub kissing Dexy prior to Nathan strangling her--for no apparent reason whatsoever. Well, there is a reason: so she can evolve into a naked zombie chained in a shed, of course, prime fodder for Nathan's rape fantasies. (There is a making-of featurette on the DVD called "Dead Sexy." Apparently it's a 45-minute look at making a low budget flick. However, calling it "sexy" is a misnomer, at least based on the film. There is relatively nothing sexy about The Stink of Flesh. Calling the doc "Sex and Death" would be more appropriate.)

It's apparently easy to make a zombie film. A large percentage of indie horror films are about zombies. Why? Because the special effects demands are not that high. You need willing participants to undergo makeup transformations and fairly-skilled makeup people who can slather gore and amateur prosthetics. That's it. Zombies don't need elaborate CGI, masks or even much in the way of costumes. Zombies are easy, and the zombie makeup on display here is adequate; the majority of them are dark blue with darker circles around their eyes and blood here and there. The gore is plentiful when needed, including various impalements, stomach-ripping, and a nice little shot of a t-shirt being peeled back from a gaping wound.

A bunch of zombies that attack the soldiers are referred to as "hyper zombies" because they are faster than regular zombies. Although they make mincemeat of the majority of the soldiers, they aren't seen from again. It's simply a plot device to thin the ranks, to have the soldiers overcome despite their firepower, to show various scenes of face-chewing, stomach-ripping, etc. However, arguably the nastiest scene occurs about halfway through. The soldiers discover human feces on the ground. One proceeds to analyze the contents by picking it up in his bare hand to discover a human tooth and hair in the crap. Yes, folks, it's the first film to prominently feature zombie shit!

Like Dead and Breakfast--another (better) indie that has received accolades recently--the best thing about this zombie flick is the soundtrack. In addition to the death metal (not a plus in my book), there are a number of country/blues-influenced ditties that are amusing. Songs are credited to Angry Johnny & The Killbillies and Lonesome Kings. Without the soundtrack, my final assessment would definitely be lower.

When a film thanks both J.R. Bookwalter (of The Dead Next Door fame) and Troma's own Lloyd Kaufman in the credits, you know what you're going to get. However, I expected something different, something better. I can overlook the low budget (apparently only $3000) and know that a lack of acting ability is an inherent trait of microbudget fare. However, the swinger spin is a weak attempt at reinventing the genre. We don't care about the characters in any way, shape or form, and the only thing they truly care about is their next sexual encounter. The Stink of Flesh emerges as only run-of-the-mill average, and I'll be looking forward to my next encounter with a fresh take on zombies in another film.

Movie Grade: C-

The Beast of Bray Road (2005)

2005-10-23T19:41:00.000-05:00

Synopsis from the distributor: Based on actual accounts of werewolf sightings in Walworth County, Wisconsin, the film follows a local sheriff who is finally forced to accept that a string of horrifying deaths is linked to a predator which possesses DNA of both man and wolf.

"Based on a true story," proclaims the film at the beginning in ominous red letters. I was intrigued. We are then introduced in the first scene to more than a few of the local okels at a bar, one of whom drives off on her own. In true paint-by-numbers horror movie style, she will obviously be the first victim of (dramatic pause) The Beast of Bray Road! Yes, her cars stalls, and not soon after said beast rips her to shreds.

Despite the laughable acting (or lack thereof) of the aforementioned locals, the movie still had my full attention. The gore of the first killing is pretty extreme (the stranded motorist is mauled across her face and then torn in two--replete with spilling entrails--after being briefly stalked through the woods in a rather tense scene.

The credits then roll over newspaper reports of sightings of the Beast of Bray Road. "Hey!" thought I, "Maybe they are TRUE stories, ripped from the local Wisconsin papers!" After all, they did say it was based on a TRUE STORY!

Fifteen minutes later, the flick was starting to drag a bit with the introduction of all the characters (including the local sherrif/obvious hero, the hot bartender, the local animal expert, and the local bad boys featured in the opening scene) and the newspaper clippings from the credits were still on my mind. As a result, with the benefit of the pause button, I took myself out of the movie to search for info on this amazing true story of people being killed and eaten by a werewolf in the wilds of Wisconsin. That, friends and neighbors, may have been a mistake. Maybe I should have kept the facade of mystery and intrigue of the TRUE STORY throughout the movie. Maybe it would have made the experience a more enjoyable one, constantly wondering how much was based on fact and how much was fabrication. To my chagrin, I discovered the majority was utter crapola--and I wasn't suprised, of course.

Although the rumor of a werewolf roaming the town of Elkton, WI has been well documented (hey, the Internet pulls up a lot of neato stuff), the concocted story of this flick is pure extrapolation. My brief investigation raised some serious doubts about said true story about a werewolf. As far as I can tell, there were no documented cases of human killings in Wisconsin; rather, there were just sightings of some beast-thingie-creature.

Hey, I know Wisconsin to an extent; I have family there. Although I've only visited once in the last 20 years, I know enough about the attitudes and behaviour (not to mention the accents) of Wisconsin natives. It's one aspect that drew me to the movie. However, after checking the filming location, I wasn't surprised to notice that it was filmed in California--and no doubt the majority of the talent came from California as well. Oddly enough, the locations and attitudes proudly on display in the movie are more in line with a rural Southern town as opposed to the Midwest. At least there were Wisconsin license plates on the cars for a slight bit of authenticity.

So what I had at that point was a fabricated story (very loosely based on purported beast sightings akin to Bigfoot), rather amateurish acting, and a lack of authenticity concerning the land of the cheeseheads. The additional aspects are standard direct-to-video fare that will hold your attention for the duration. There's nothing spectacular beyond the decent gore effects, but the creature does look sort of cool (and sort of goofy). A couple of the creature killings are reasonably well done. Also, there is some gratuitous nudity sprinkled throughout, but nothing outstanding from any of the willing women. Disappointingly, the hottest of the female leads (Sarah Lieving, pictured) only strips down to her bra.

A nice little homage to Jaws occurs when the sherrif views the beast for the first time on the video from a patrol car's dash camera: "We'll definitely need bigger guns." However, what follows is an A-Team-like montage where homemade werewolf-killing weapons are made. Along with the characters, we get lessons in werewolf vulnerabilities (wolfsbane is the "Ebola virus for werewolves") during this montage. It's all very ludicrous and cliched.

The last ten minutes or so are reasonably entertaining. The identity of the werewolf is revealed (and I thanked all that is good and holy that it wasn't the priest that presided over the one funeral; see "Silver Bullet"), a pseudo-transformation occurs, and there are a smattering of killings.

I just read a possible account of VAMPIRE SIGHTINGS in Otero County, New Mexico. I think I'm going to start trolling for financial backing for my new vampire movie based on a true story! Care to invest?

Movie Grade: C

"Surface" (2005 TV pilot)

2005-09-20T10:02:00.000-05:00

ALIEN INVASION! Hot on the heels of "Lost" and the theatrical War of the Worlds comes not one, not two, but three new television shows with alien influences. CBS's offering ("Threshold") has garnered the best critical praise as an intelligent sci-fi show. "Invasion" from ABC has drawn some Katrina sensitivities because the aliens purportedly arrive in the aftermath of a hurricane. "Surface" from NBC explores the possibility of alien life rising from the depths of the oceans.

The events that set everything in motion: in Wilmington, NC a teenager encounters a creature in the water and the next night discovers an egg, a nuclear submarine that had gone missing for 48 hours is discovered in Antarctica with bite marks on it, a marine biologist in Sausalito, CA encounters phosphorescent creatures in a submersible at 5,000 feet, and a Louisiana diver has his brother dragged into the depths by a creature. Later in the episode a dead creature washes up on shore (replete with a four-foot tooth) and a slew of comets brighten the night sky in the Caribbean.

Originally entitled "Fathom," the title of NBC's new creaturefest had its title changed when they were pressured by a comic company. Apparently that's not the only change that was made to the pilot of the show, most likely after test screenings. Numerous reviews of the pilot popped up online before the official premier on September 19. I was privileged to view the original version and was intrigued; as a result, I tuned in again for the official premier. From what I can recall, the following changes were made:

The teenager that originally was pushed overboard at the beginning now falls off a kneeboard. This makes him seem like a cool kid instead of a loser who is abandoned in the water.
The kid actually sees a creature slide off a buoy into the water; previously, to the best of my recollection, the buoy was simply there--perhaps as an homage to the opening scene of Jaws?
Lake Bell's character's name was changed from Daughtery Carstarphen to Laura Daughtery, a welcome change. (Several characters, however, call her "D" throughout.)
One character was originally in a decompression tank after floating to the surface; now he is in a hospital bed with a plastic oxygen tent over it, a much more realistic approach.

There may have been more alterations (and the only one that I can definitely confirm is the character's name), but it's obvious that tweaking was done to ensure success. My opinion when something is revamped considerably prior to release--whether a film or television show--is that the producers have understood that there is a need for improvement. Inevitably some will perceive the changes as signs of trouble.

The production values of the pilot are fairly high and are in league with some cinematic offerings. (I watch a lot of low-budget flicks and the budget for "Surface" was obviously considerable.) With this much money spent on the pilot, one hopes that NBC will allow the series to gather a viewership instead of abandoning it if the initial ratings are not high enough. Hopefully the powers that be at the network understand that some shows need time to build an audience. Thankfully, the show is not on FOX, a network notorious for dropping programs due to low viewership (e.g. "Firefly," now a major motion picture thanks to its rabid fan base).

There are some genuinely tense scenes, including when Laura (Lake Bell) is 5,000 feet underwater in the submersible and discovers the creatures. Being deep underwater is almost like being on an alien planet, and the show communicates this well. Later when two divers encounter a creature around the underwater steel supports of an oil rig and one diver is dragged into the depths, I was on the edge of my seat; I was with them in the murky depths, seeing the humongous shadowy shape of the thing and fearing it. When a creature smashes through the glass of a 100-gallon-plus home aquarium tank and escapes into an upstairs bathroom, we see only a glimpse of it, including a tiny claw, but we know what it will become.

I was impressed by "Surface" and look forward to the coming weeks to provide the same level of entertainment. There is a lot going on during the pilot, setting the stage for future developments. Based on TV listings, the Sci-Fi Channel is running encore presentations of the show. So if you missed it, I urge you to give "Surface" a shot.

Pilot Grade: A-

Next Review: The Beast of Bray Road

2005-09-16T23:00:00.000-05:00

"The Beast of Bray Road" is a direct-to-video werewolf flick that is supposedly based on a true story. How much of it is actually fact-based remains to be seen. My investigation into the particulars of the true nature of the beast is part of the forthcoming review.